I have yet survived another night in my car really contemplating suicide. I don’t know how I got this far down the rabbit hole but here I am. It’s very obvious that I’ve completely lost control of both my life and my finances to the point that I’m sure that I’m better off. Last night I just couldn’t bring myself to doing it, maybe I was scare of experiencing death.
I’m deluding my pain with caffeine and pulling happiness out of my ads. It’s like as if I’m living in a science fiction movie trapped in my own mind. Why can I just be a normal human being? Why does anxiety and fear ruining my personality, my courage. I think in most cases I let it get the best of me to the point that I just give up. Sasha, I think only you can understand how my mind is working here.
Sasha, my demons finally caught up. All of them at my doorstep waiting for my to take a leap of faith into the darkness of hell. I told them Sasha, I told them that my demons are here and that’s why I can’t stay. I shouldn’t be here. Now my demons will have the last laugh because I just couldn’t stay away. You’ve always told me that I should always possess courage in whatever I do, even if that means making the tough decisions. I screwed up…somehow.
For years I have maintained communication with my love, my teacher, my desire, my passion. Sasha has been an inspiration for me, I hope she can be one for you too.