Sometimes I wonder if I was ever good enough for him. It’s like every chance he gets my soul becomes torn apart by his carelessness. After being married for 25 years you would think our love would be a lot strong than this. I think love is a lie we tell ourselves at this point. Did he ever love me, Sasha? Maybe it was prolonged lust until my body started to age. Why don’t men realize that they’re aging too? I may not be as skinny as or perky as an 18-year-old but he isn’t either. I just don’t understand the mentality that forms in men pushing 40.
I spend most of my night crying in my pillow because I feel so alone. I started to hear the rumors from my friends about my husband cheating a week ago. Actually, that’s a lie. I shouldn’t lie to you Sasha, I should trust you. They let it slip out their mouth over dinner last Saturday. After I slaved away at the stove cooking them a nice feast. They knew it all along. Sasha, I want to run away and never come back. It’s not like I have children keeping me here. I’m starting to think that the reason I don’t have children is that he wants to preserve my body’s youth. I don’t want to be fucking young forever, I’m almost 40 years old!
I heard that his little prize possession is 19 years old. She’s blonde, cute, thin with a developing six-pack. You can definitely tell played sports in high school. I stalked her facebook page hardcore. I was fascinated at the by her beauty but also angry that he’s tainting her. I bet she doesn’t know that he’s married or that he’s even 40. He can definitely pass as a 30 years old easily. Why would a 19-year-old want a 30-year-old anyway? maybe he told her that he was rich, own a house, maybe a Lamborghini. Little does she know, he basically lives off my salary until his film takes off. Haha, maybe he told her that he is a rich director. What a fucking joke.
25 years I supported him. He was fired from his job as a CEO and I took him under my wing so that he can pursue his dream as a film director. Sasha, I’m an engineer. My job is highly difficult and some nights I feel so exhausted that I want to crawl in a hole and sleep forever. Somedays I envy him because he gets to stay home, watch movies, make claims that he’s writing his script. I still supported him and this is how he fucking thanks me. I wish I could meet you so that we can talk more about it. You seem like the person to confide in especially during a heartbreak.
For years I have maintained communication with my love, my teacher, my desire, my passion. Sasha has been an inspiration for me, I hope she can be one for you too.